If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
