My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize