Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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