Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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