saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
