So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
