just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
