see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
If I die, sorry about rent.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
