if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Semen is not good for contacts.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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