I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
