we have pet lesbian snakes
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
