I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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