I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
