I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
