I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
