i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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