Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
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