life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
