I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
