i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
