You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
