I'm really into asian looking animals
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
