Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
