It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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