I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
