God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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