is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
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