If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
