So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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