you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
