we have pet lesbian snakes
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
