he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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