WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
