Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
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