this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
