Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
