dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
