she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Can't talk, ducks in the car
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
