Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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