I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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