I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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