The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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