Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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