Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
