That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
