a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
