life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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