just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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