Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize
