Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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