Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
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