You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Randomize
