so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Randomize
