Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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