Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
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