well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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