dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Randomize
