He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
i think im in europe. pls send help
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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