I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.