God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
