Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?