She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia