DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
