I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
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